New York is “the Big Apple”. There’s Motown, Chi-town, and LaLa Land; Steel City, Charm City, and the City by the Bay. It seems that every major city in America has a nickname; every city, save my present home, Washington, DC. It’s about time that we remedied this, and I propose that DC’s nickname should be something along the lines of “the Big Pie on the Potomac” or “the Crusty Capital”. Why? Because Washington, DC is just about the flakiest place I’ve ever been.
I haven’t spent much time out west, and I can imagine that the laid-back left coast lifestyle might lend itself quite well to flakiness. As far as east coast cities are concerned, however, DC has to be right at the top of the list. There seem to be entire relationships out there based on the mere idea of maybe, one day, spending some time in the same place. Look at all the Facebook wall posts that say things like, “Hey, miss you. We should hang out… soon!”
I think it’s funny… when it involves other people. When it involves me, I just find it annoying. The older I get, the less desire I have to be friends with anybody and everybody. I surround myself with people who bring something to the table. And, although I have no problem in groups, my ultimate test of whether someone is worth getting to know is based on one-on-one interactions. When someone takes the effort to make plans with me, I expect that they feel the same way. My expectations have been sorely let down.
If one, or both, of us doesn’t think enough of the other to actually make plans, and then keep those plans to the exclusion of whatever else might come up, why go through the pretense in the first place? There are plenty of people out there who I am fine seeing whenever we happen to run into each other, and yet some of those same people seem dead set on roping me into making plans that I know they won’t keep. What’s more, when I call them on it, they look at me like I just kicked their puppy in the face.
So, I’ve got two questions: what is it about DC that breeds this flakiness and what the fuck can I do about it?
Here are some possible answers to the former:
- DC is a political town, and therefore almost everyone in it is to some degree a politician. Does that mean that everyone aspires to be either king or kingmaker? No, but it does mean that most people here are naturally concerned with their status and, therefore, the line between socializing and networking is continually blurred. Most of these people aren’t so much looking for friends and acquaintances as possible connections, entries in a rolodex.
- DC is a town where so many people’s social groups are an extension of political movements and causes. Fostering actual friendships with people can take a backseat to securing one’s place in the group. These are the people who ask “so, who’s gonna be there?” every time plans are being made.
-DC is a town full of kids; recent grads eager to prove themselves real-life adults with schedules full of interesting plans. No more keggers and trips to the dining hall, they’ve moved on to cocktails and brunch. The prospect of having an evening without one of these social events penciled into their planners can fill some people with existential dread, so they overbook and promise to be places they have no intention of ever going.
These are just thoughts. I won’t pretend to have a definite answer. I want to hear what other people have to say. I also want to hear what people think about how to handle it. It’s hard to stop making plans with flaky people without coming across like anti-social hermit or a raging asshole, but at the same time, my tolerance for this kind of thing is definitely waning. Any and all suggestions are welcome.
Tuesday, August 12, 2008
Monday, August 11, 2008
Female Narcissism
A couple of caveats: (One) I would prefer to make my first post something more positive… begin on an up note. This is a blog, however, and this is what’s happening with me right now. (Two) I don’t like getting into the whole battle of the sexes thing. The world has enough wars, whether cold, hot, or metaphorical, and I’m not trying to start any more. That being said, I have a couple of things to say about narcissism; in particular about female narcissism. A couple of weeks back Roissy threw up a post with the following quote:
“Motherhood has always been the best remedy for female narcissism.”- F. Roger Devlin
I don’t have anything to say about that particular quote, but I do want to offer some perspective on female narcissism. Men are perfectly capable of being narcissistic. The male ego is the most obvious form this can take. The thing about female narcissism, and what makes it so frustrating, is that it so often gets sublimated into some sort of fake consideration. What follows is an example.
I have a profile on an internet dating site. I had a lot of success on it where I used to live, but since moving to DC it’s been a great big bust. I think there are specific reasons for this, but that’s another post. I still go on the site and look around every once in a while. If I see someone that has potential, I send her a message. I keep it short. I keep it light. If a girl is interested, all it takes is to let her know that I’m not a complete moron, and that I can make her laugh. So… what should I think when I send a one-line, very light, very breezy comment to someone, and then, two weeks later, get this message back:
I'm flattered by your interest. You seem like a great person but this isn't what I'm looking for.
Some of you may be tempted to think that she didn’t get my message for a while, or just had so many responses, and since she’s such a nice girl, she wanted to send me a brief, polite response acknowledging my message even though she wasn’t particularly interested.
To any of you who believe that: I’ve got some prime real estate spanning the East River that I can let go for a fraction of its market value.
It’s more likely that this girl experienced some form of rejection herself in the two weeks between my sending and her replying. What better way to make herself feel better, then to “reject” someone herself? The idea that I might have spent that two weeks lamenting not getting a response is so much more insulting than the idea of her not being interested in me. If she had any real interest in being nice, she would have realized that. This, however, is the game we play. We transfer our own feelings around like a game of emotional hot potato. We make ourselves feel better by trying to make someone else feel worse, and then pretend that it makes us “bigger” people.
So, what are the takeaways from this?
Ladies: Get over yourselves. We’re guys. We make advances; that’s just what we do. Don’t make too much, or too little, of them. Since men make the first move most of the time, you’re often going to be in a position to say yea or nay. Don’t let that go to your head. If you get a brief message on an internet dating site, the guy has probably sent out twenty more and expects seventeen to be ignored. Any guy who gets offended at not getting a response back, probably doesn’t deserve the response in the first place.
Gentleman: Don’t obsess too much over what you’re saying to women. It’s much more important how you say things. At the end of the day, she’s going to be making her decisions much more on the signals you’re sending and on her own intuition than on any sort of rational reaction to what you’ve said.
“Motherhood has always been the best remedy for female narcissism.”- F. Roger Devlin
I don’t have anything to say about that particular quote, but I do want to offer some perspective on female narcissism. Men are perfectly capable of being narcissistic. The male ego is the most obvious form this can take. The thing about female narcissism, and what makes it so frustrating, is that it so often gets sublimated into some sort of fake consideration. What follows is an example.
I have a profile on an internet dating site. I had a lot of success on it where I used to live, but since moving to DC it’s been a great big bust. I think there are specific reasons for this, but that’s another post. I still go on the site and look around every once in a while. If I see someone that has potential, I send her a message. I keep it short. I keep it light. If a girl is interested, all it takes is to let her know that I’m not a complete moron, and that I can make her laugh. So… what should I think when I send a one-line, very light, very breezy comment to someone, and then, two weeks later, get this message back:
I'm flattered by your interest. You seem like a great person but this isn't what I'm looking for.
Some of you may be tempted to think that she didn’t get my message for a while, or just had so many responses, and since she’s such a nice girl, she wanted to send me a brief, polite response acknowledging my message even though she wasn’t particularly interested.
To any of you who believe that: I’ve got some prime real estate spanning the East River that I can let go for a fraction of its market value.
It’s more likely that this girl experienced some form of rejection herself in the two weeks between my sending and her replying. What better way to make herself feel better, then to “reject” someone herself? The idea that I might have spent that two weeks lamenting not getting a response is so much more insulting than the idea of her not being interested in me. If she had any real interest in being nice, she would have realized that. This, however, is the game we play. We transfer our own feelings around like a game of emotional hot potato. We make ourselves feel better by trying to make someone else feel worse, and then pretend that it makes us “bigger” people.
So, what are the takeaways from this?
Ladies: Get over yourselves. We’re guys. We make advances; that’s just what we do. Don’t make too much, or too little, of them. Since men make the first move most of the time, you’re often going to be in a position to say yea or nay. Don’t let that go to your head. If you get a brief message on an internet dating site, the guy has probably sent out twenty more and expects seventeen to be ignored. Any guy who gets offended at not getting a response back, probably doesn’t deserve the response in the first place.
Gentleman: Don’t obsess too much over what you’re saying to women. It’s much more important how you say things. At the end of the day, she’s going to be making her decisions much more on the signals you’re sending and on her own intuition than on any sort of rational reaction to what you’ve said.
Random Thoughts on My Favorite Subject
Here are some random things about me until I can get a proper “About Me” section up:
-I love the expression “go to the mattresses”
-I hate reducing multi-syllabic words down to one syllable; I hear “chicken parm” and I vomit in my mouth a little.
-I am neither an over-sexed, androgynous rock star nor a pumped up, unrepentant gangster, but I often find myself identifying with Prince and 50 Cent lyrics.
-I fuck like champ.
-I never believe a girl who says, “I give great head.” You all claim to give great head.
-I realize the logical inconsistency of the above two points, and I really don’t care.
-I don’t love them hoes.
-Yes, I realize that not all women are hoes, and I thank the sweet baby Jesus for that every day.
-I love the expression “go to the mattresses”
-I hate reducing multi-syllabic words down to one syllable; I hear “chicken parm” and I vomit in my mouth a little.
-I am neither an over-sexed, androgynous rock star nor a pumped up, unrepentant gangster, but I often find myself identifying with Prince and 50 Cent lyrics.
-I fuck like champ.
-I never believe a girl who says, “I give great head.” You all claim to give great head.
-I realize the logical inconsistency of the above two points, and I really don’t care.
-I don’t love them hoes.
-Yes, I realize that not all women are hoes, and I thank the sweet baby Jesus for that every day.
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